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Pets
Cats Women like cats. Men say they like cats. But when women aren't looking, men kick cats and replace them with baby lions. It is then acceptable to train the lions to attack on command, but be docile otherwise. A pet cat is only permissible when said cat is vicious, ill-tempered, and/or mangy. Kittens are never manly pets. Dogs A man shall have a dog. Dogs are the 'men' of the animal kingdom. Even a female dog is more of a 'man' than a cat. It is acceptable for a man to own a cat in addition to a dog if the purpose of the cat is to amuse the dog and to serve as a potential meal in an emergency. TLC : A man shall love his dog. Therefore, the phrase "I love you" is perfectly acceptable to say to a dog, even when in front of another man. Baby talk such as "Who's a good puppy?" DOES NOT get the same exemption as "I love you". It is acceptable for a man to play with his dog, though preferably by wrestling or other exhibition of dominance behavior. Miniature : A man shall never own a dog which is smaller than an average house cat, and shall never under any circumstances adorn a dog with ribbons, or bows, or 'doggie' sweaters. Names : A man shall only give a Dog a cute name, such as "Buttons" or "Fluffy," in an ironic sense. The dog must be of an exceptionally manly breed such as a Rottweiler or a Doberman to merit such a name. Neutering : Neutering a male dog is unacceptable, as is spaying a female. If forced to, avoid all eye contact with the animal while on the way to, or at, the veterinarian's clinic for the procedure. Other Pets There are other animals (non-canonical) which may be considered manly enough to own. These animals include pigs; horses (NOTE: MUST be a HORSE--not a PONY--in addition, it must be trained in combat or jousting, and even then, only ONE horse), scorpions; grizzly bears; 'gators; large predatory cats; great white sharks; giant squids; wolves (essentially more vicious dogs); and, depending on geography, elephants (if trained in combat, then referred to as War Mammoths). Many horses/ponies are allowed and still Manly if you are on or own a ranch/farm. Monkeys : These naturally gentle apes must be bred for war and subservience. If your ape companion may be mistaken for a small hairy soldier, then he is ready to be a man pet. If said ape can kill quieter than Solid Snake, then the ape may be an Honorary Man, with all rights and responsibilities thereof. If he flings his own feces at lesser men, all the better. If you do not understand the benefits of having a monkey, the great Dane Cook explains it well: | monkey heist]] Ferrets : A ferret may be considered as a pet only if you train it to attack cats and men who violate vital man rules. As ferrets are naturally mean and violent creatures they are a suitable for apartments that are too small for a dog. Owning several ferrets for the purpose of "Ferret Legging" is encouraged.